Down Memory Lane
Recently I’ve been feeling very nostalgic. I might be simply homesick or I might be having those reassess-your-life kind of moments… Anyway, I’ve decided to invite you for a little walk down my memory lane. I’m going to tell you how I got into music in the first place and then we’ll discuss some phases I went through while growing up.
I’ve always felt really passionate about music! When I was just a little kid, I wouldn’t stop humming weird made-up tunes, which probably what convinced my mum to send me to a music school. I was six and the audition board recommended I do a prep year first, before I officially started my seven-year course. At the end, I actually spent nine years at that school, doing a post-graduation year to improve my piano techniques. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to a conservatorium later on, but I wanted to keep my options open, and one extra year could really help me increase my chances.
It was one of the happiest times of my childhood! Trust me, I was quite a lazy kid, so I really mean that. I might have been an absolute nightmare being so restless in the classroom at school and an unbelievable slacker at the figure skating school, but I was a little twinkling star when it came to music. Before you get totally confused by the number of schools I went to, I should explain how the Russian education system works. By law you are obliged to attend the general education school, but if you want to learn things outside the state standards, you can also attend extracurricular schools like art or sports school. Those educational centres are not compulsory by law but unavoidable if you want a career in a specific profession outside the school subjects. As a ridiculously hyperactive kid, I went to three schools at the same time. Yep…
Now that we’ve covered the technicalities, let’s go back to my reminiscence about one of the nicest times ever– time spent at the music school! First and foremost, I was exceptionally lucky with really good and patient teachers, who managed to nurture me without breaking my not-so-easy-to-tolerate youthful spirit. I was also blessed with the precious gift of being naturally talented at music – I had a musical ear and picked up new techniques easily. I was that annoying kid at class, who could do absolutely nothing and still manage to be one of the brightest students. It did backfire at another point in my life, but it’s a story for another time. However, at that happy stage of my life, I merely played at all the national concerts and sang as a soloist in a well-known choir. Frankly, I was quite a show-off back then. And before you boo me, I should say that I don’t necessarily count that as a bad thing: we live and we learn, hopefully maturing along the way. Amazingly my ability to casually jump on stage without having a panic attack is something that’s stuck with me up to until today and has proven to be really helpful.
Anyway, when all the kids were busy mastering the art of socialising, I was busy mastering some figure skating pirouettes, house riding tricks, acrobatics, music literature, French and English, modeling and drawing (alright, my drawing skills have always been horrible…). To fit all those things into twenty-four hours, I had a special school schedule. Home schooling seemed like a horrible idea, so instead, I attended school part-time. And there was no surprise that while I was involved in all that extracurricular stuff, my classmates were forming great bonds of friendships, falling in love for the very first time and learning what it meant to be a part of our society. I, on the other hand, while being way ahead of the game in one aspect of my life, totally missed out on the other: I stayed sheltered and oblivious to all those things that normal teenagers go through, the good and the bad…
Having special treatment at school to accommodate my crazy schedule didn’t exactly help my chances of bonding with my classmates. I did everything that was required of me, however, time frames had to be adjusted accordingly. Nevertheless, things like passing tests after normal school hours or submitting homework in bulk didn’t make me the most popular girl at school. Luckily, I was absent from school most of the time anyway, so I didn’t particularly care what some mean kids might have said behind my back. Nevertheless, it goes without saying that good social skills are highly important and life without them is not so much fun for a fourteen year old. It seemed very odd that I was super confident on stage and could speak three languages fluently, yet I was ridiculously uncomfortable in the presence of my own peers. Things started to change when I finally graduated and went to university. As well as finishing secondary school, I graduated from music school and made the decision to stop pursuing figure skating seriously. Suddenly, I became just like anyone else…
After a long debate over the major I should chose at uni, international law seemed like a good idea. That symbolised the beginning of a whole new era for me: from a twinkling little star that was bathing in attention, I turned into a real outsider. I went through a real school of life while obtaining my bachelor’s degree. I had lots of growing up to do and lots of normal day-to-day things to catch up on: everything I knew was turned upside down.
Being different from others can be tough, especially in the world of young adults. I never felt the urge to hide my real interests and talents behind the fake façade of what was trendy at that time Yet, in the world of eighteen year-olds, no one cared that you were a Jack-of-all-trades. What mattered were the silly things like whether a driver was going to pick you up after classes and how many times you had been to that super cool dance club that opened a week ago…
The surroundings I found myself in felt exciting at first, but soon turned very toxic: gossiping, fakeness, arrogance and swank rush fell on me from all over. The meaner you were, the more popularity you gained: Gossip Girl teen drama kind of style. They say everyone has their own truth, but it was hard to imagine how many versions of that “truth” could be created within a limited space of time. The importance of the version would always be measured according to the relevance and the status of the source, and most of the time the original plot of the story would be long lost in the never ending set up drama. Over the time, the gossip would vanish, but the haterage people enjoy pouring over each other would remain. It appeared that not all opinions should be expressed out loud, and sometimes having an opinion whatsoever is the worst sin of all that is punished by public shaming.
As you might have guessed, my time spent at uni was not exactly my favourite. However, it was a steep learning curve, which toughened me just when I really needed it. Whatever trick you might be plotting against me, chances are, someone has already tried it at the school I went to. Nevertheless, before you imagine some of the horrendous social situations I may or may have not got myself into, I should stress that my uni years didn’t pass in vain! Apart from a lot of maturing that I went through, I also had lots of fun, traveled the world, shaped my ambition and narrowed down my focus in life. I might have not been very lucky with the people I had to study with but I found happiness outside my study group circle. Just like during my school years, I found new extracurricular activities to occupy myself with, and along with those activities, I found similar friendly minds with whom I shared lots of happy uni memories.
My life was filled with a bunch of new hobbies! I was involved in Model United Nations conferences and traveled around the world as a delegate and later as a president of various Models. I became a spokesperson and a Students’ Union activist. And finally, after two years of music silence, I joint The Live Music Club and returned to the stage.
Life seemed to return to normal and even started to sparkle with new colours. Unfortunately, the outsider complex stayed with me for a very long time. None of us like to feel rejected, and despite all the healing we’ve been doing, bitter remarks still can get through the nonchalant wall we’ve built so carefully.
For a long time my art had been focused on the way I perceived myself: how I saw myself; how others saw me; what place I had in the world back then and where I wanted to find myself in the future. A good friend of mine, who I played with at the Live Music Club, once joked that in every song I’d ever written one could find the word “struggle” in one form or another… In a way, my friend hit a nerve: up to that point the topic of overcoming challenges was a very crucial part of my music.
The very honourable second place in my art had been reserved for the speculation about my future. Just around the end of my second year, I acquired a very dangerous habit of constantly imagining what my future would be like. I seemed to be convinced that it was bound to be brighter than my present. I started planning my move abroad; I kept imagining all the opportunities that would present themselves for my music career once I’d broken free; I was sure I’d be happier and prettier and luckier in just a year or two… Indeed, the years after uni turned out to be much happier, and I managed to achieve quite a few of those “unreachable dreams” I kept talking about. However, living in the future is a risky mindset to have that can easily turn your buzz into apathy.
Apart from singing about the severity of the world and the grass that seemed greener on the other side, I had another favourite concept to write about. As a young adult, I really wanted to prove myself to the world, and writing songs about it helped me cope with the pressure. I wrote numerous ballads about how it felt to be “me against the world”. You might recall a country song called Mean by Taylor Swift, where she sings that someday she’d be living in a big ol’city and all they ever gonna be is mean. Well, that song was a major inspiration for the young version of me along with many other highly motivational tunes that urge you to go and conquer the world. However, I discovered that over time, when negative emotions fade away, the necessity to prove anything to anybody fades along with them. I guess making peace with yourself and releasing those crazy dreams are the strong weapons in themselves.
So now we’ve established that those four years as a law student were quite an emotional rollercoaster. However, I consider them to be one of the most crucial times in my life. They really formed my character and pulled me out of that surreal overly protected world I had been living in during high school. I found out how it felt to be always winning and yet simultaneously always losing. I learned to appreciate simple kindness and stopped taking good moments for granted.
Over time we forget bickering, grow up and hopefully mature. What counts is the experience we take out of everything we go through. I’d have never written songs that would reach hearts if I hadn’t tasted disappointment, felt bitterness and made a bunch of mistakes. It’s for a reason that they say depicting a perfect life doesn’t really make for a very good song.
Based on the article written by Ria Timkin for Rock-Vector N15 (35) 19.04.2016.
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